So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
