Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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