i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
