What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
