You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
