Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
