you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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