Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
