Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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