you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
