If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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