Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
