Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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