kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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