hotel room ftw
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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