Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
