No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
