People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
