so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
