those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
