remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
