no, he came in my armpit
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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