masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
