My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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