My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
