Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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