I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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