He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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