God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
