win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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