My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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