i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
