rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
