he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
