i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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