I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
