i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
