I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
