dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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