anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
where does the pee come out of this thing
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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