I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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