No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
