Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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