Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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