this beer tastes like vomit already
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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