I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
