I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
