Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
