ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
