oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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