don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
