You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
