At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
