So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
