My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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