He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You are the jesus of drinking
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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